Reflections

I’ve been having a hard time writing my final blog entry due to mixed emotions about coming back to the states. I realized it would be easier to express myself in a poem. Normally I don’t show my poems to anyone until I’ve whittled them down to symmetrical, logical, polished packages, but this one is really raw and not quite finished (except for the ending, which sounds too neat, as though I’ve wrapped the whole thing up with a bow… I don’t care for it). Nevertheless, the poem more adequately depicts the way I’m feeling than I can do in a blog format. Ok enough babbling... here goes nothing:

Gaps

On the tube, you’re never alone,

even when your company’s

the mice, or that rhythmic,

automated voice—

“…a good service

running on all London

underground lines.”

My car has four extra seats.

The windows gape,

letting in so much air—

“please mind the gap.”

On my birthday, I sobbed

in a blue velvet seat

during rush hour—

cars crammed together

like rows of shiny teeth—

and a businessman interrupted

himself to ask me, “Are you okay?”

Here, I furrow my brows

between CD skips—

Jeff Tweedy and Thom Yorke

sing on.

There, it was too dark to see.

Nothingness whipped by

beyond the windows.

These long sunlit roads

I drove so many times—

Shelbourne and 96^th street—

are strange and stark now.

The more days pass, the stranger

it all grows to me.

If anyone has suggestions, let me know.

There are high expectations projected onto the study abroad experience. Everyone who has been abroad says it is life-changing, which is absolutely true, but not in the way I expected. I imagined coming back from London with some stories about site-seeing and bar-hopping and the cool restaurants… and yeah, I do have a few of those up my sleeve. But I came back with much more than just those stories. I see the world differently now. It’s bigger, more diverse, and fuller of possibilities than I ever realized.

My trip to London represents one big learning experience made up of many smaller ones. I went on a program in which I knew no one, and had no idea what kinds of people or classes I was in for. I worked in an inner-city youth center where I sometimes felt like I was not only in a different country, but on a different planet. I lived with strangers in their home. I spent much of my time in London alone… riding the tube, or the bus, or going to museums, or even eating dinner in a restaurant alone, which, surprisingly, wasn’t that awkward.

And after all that, I came home not only alive, but more alive than ever. I have a completely new perspective on the world, humanity in general, and my life in particular. I discovered both weaknesses and strengths I didn’t know I had. For instance, I run like hell from any kind of confrontation, and I’ve resolved to work on that. I own up when I’ve made mistakes, and then learn from those mistakes. I make the best of things and try to see the positive in situations and people. Learning all this stuff about myself scared me at first, but I’m glad it happened. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I can take control of my life… that’s a powerful feeling.

But perhaps the most important thing I’ve internalized as a result of my study abroad experience is how thankful I am for the support of my friends and family, both in London and back in the states. It was so comforting to come home every night to my housemates, particularly Carolina and Amalia. Vera and Dragon welcomed me into their home and treated me as much more than a guest, which I’m eternally grateful for. I had so much fun getting to know Emily, Sean, and Max, and would have been lost without their friendship. And, of course, there’s Donnie Smith. Donnie’s passion for so many things—even things I don’t necessarily love or agree with, like veganism—has inspired me, and his confidence is infectious.

While in London, staying in touch with people from home helped me tremendously. My weekly Skype calls with Mom, Dad, Rach, and Grandma Julian helped me stay sane. My e-mails from Grandma and Grandpa Ogle, which I receive no matter where I am, gave me a sense of constancy. I loved getting postcards and Skype calls from Nathaniel, long and lovely Facebook messages from Ellie, and Skype conversations, both silly and serious, with Alli.

There are many people I haven’t mentioned who have motivated me simply by putting a smile on my face. All of the aforementioned people and their generosity have helped me tremendously. You know who you are, and I am at a loss for how to properly thank you.

If you’re having doubts about study abroad, do it. Yes, it’s scary and you’re going to miss your parents and your boyfriend and your school but for God’s sake, this is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. In fact, don’t just do it… savor it. Try to enjoy every single moment, even on mornings when you’re waiting for the bus in the rain and it’s 10 minutes behind schedule. Because sometimes, I even miss stuff like that, like the 20-minute walk home from the tube stop and the long line at the post office at Gloucester Road… but I digress. Do it… it’s worth it.

Cheers,

Rebecca